Nervous. Timid. Anxious. Three words that come to mind when I think about my first counseling session last week. To sit here even contemplating writing about my first counseling session is a big deal. Partially because it was a really big deal for me to call a counselor, set an appointment, and stick to it. For years now, seven to be exact, I have struggled with bouts of depression and anxiety. Somehow, by God's grace, I always seemed to be able to pull out of these dark spots on my own, or circumstances changed just in time, so I never thought I needed to actually get help. But, things changed when I moved across the country on my own. The past few months have been especially difficult, with the thick blanket of winter enveloping me in its cloudiness. I honestly didn't think that not seeing the sun for months on end would affect me as much as it has, but it has become seemingly impossible to get out of bed each morning, even though I surely get plenty of sleep, but never nearly enough rest. I thought if I kept myself busy enough between work and school, my mind would somehow stay motivated to keep going. But, I hit a wall in December. My 23rd birthday was one that really I'd rather forget. I called my mom sobbing on the phone, desperate for circumstances to change and to somehow just be happy. I was miserable and upset with myself that I was so miserable. And here's the thing about depression - even if things aren't bad, even if they're actually quite good, the mind twists everything around and creates problems that you didn't even know existed. Suddenly work is even more overwhelming than before and I'm questioning if I'm in the right job at the right organization, in the right sector. Suddenly I feel like I have no control over anything and everything is spinning out of control and I just feel done. I'm homesick, more than I have been before in the past year, and all I want more than anything is to be in the sunshine and warmth. After weeks of my parents taking phone calls from a sobbing, emotionally unstable Mackenzie, my dad, in his words, "pulled out the Dad card" and told me I needed to call a counselor and get professional help. Ouch. I can't remember the last time my dad used the "dad card". Knowing that my parents were truly concerned about my well-being, and that I wasn't getting any better on my own, I called up a Christian counselor and set an appointment. Yikes. I have not been that nervous to make a phone call in a long time. Tuesday, the day of my appointment finally came and I was so incredibly nervous. What if I cried too much? What if I didn't know what to say? What if I started talking and it just came out like word vomit, uncontrollable and untamed? And let me tell you, as soon as I sat down on that couch in the counselor's office, all those questions and pre-conceived notions that therapy is for "sick" people or people who don't have friends to talk to, flew out the window. For years I had been so stubborn and refused to go to a counselor because of the stigma that I felt was still associated for many with counselors and therapy. I thought for so long that I should be strong enough to figure out my problems on my own, or that I could just pray my problems away but still wallow in the same self-imploding mannerisms.
Let me tell you, to hear a professional tell me "you cannot fail at this" and "you do not have to be perfect at counseling", were really hard things for me to hear. I know I am my own worst critic, and lately I feel like I've been failing in every area of my life. But, to also hear her say "I am very qualified to take care of you", brought a sense of comfort and stability that I forgot was out there. I think for so long I strove to be self-sufficient and learn how to do things on my own, which is fine and dandy, but I clearly was not learning the right ways to take care of myself and my mental health and emotional well-being. So, while I am still scared about this whole counseling thing which puts me in a very vulnerable spot, I am also very much looking forward to learning how to actually take care of myself. It's all in the learning. And the growing. And the pain. And this I know to be true - I am not alone. And neither are you.
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Yes, this may be just another new year's post that you would expect to see...except it's not. I've never been one for making resolutions, as I've always thought that if I wanted to make a change, I could decide to change at any point throughout the year - not just on January 1st. However, I always felt a bit silly for not making any resolutions or setting goals to work towards achieving throughout the year. I think, in part, because I have learned by now that God often changes my plans, so it seems better to not make any, rather than become perplexed when plans do change. Last year, my perspective changed when I read the book "One Word That Will Change Your Life" by Jon Gordon. Rather than focusing on several goals or resolutions to work on in the coming year, this book encourages its readers to prayerfully consider one word that will encompass decisions made, reactions to unchangeable circumstances, and everything in between in the coming year. This approach to a new year resonated with me, so I decided to give it a go. My one word for 2017 was "intentional". I wanted to be intentional with my decisions, with my every day actions in both small things and big, and intentional in my work. I'll admit, I wasn't as intentional throughout the year as I had hoped, and throughout the month of December, I feel like I spiraled out of control and wasn't intentional about anything, but had more of a "just get it done" attitude. In the lessons that God has been teaching me over the past year or so, this year, I decided on the word "investment" for my 2018 word. I want to invest more time and energy in taking care of myself (mentally, emotionally, and physically). I have really run myself ragged and I know that as a child of the Most High, treating myself in this way is not pleasing to Him, and does no good for myself or those around me. I want to invest more in creating meaningful, lasting relationships. It's certainly difficult to maintain long-distance friendships, and even harder to create new ones, especially for an introvert like me. But, I know that I cannot do this life alone. This might be the most challenging part for me, but this year, I want to invest in discovery. In learning what truly makes me happy, where my passions really lie, and how I can cultivate these things to further the Kingdom. School and work have completely taken over my life, and I'm not certain that I even have any hobbies because of my crazy schedule. With my last semester of grad school starting tomorrow, I am realizing more and more that investment in discovery of new things and new experiences will have to be inevitable to continue to grow, stretch, and mold me into the vessel that God has intended. So with this in mind, cheers to investing in 2018 my friends! |
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