As Thanksgiving has come and gone and December is already upon us, and the days are flying by faster than I can keep up, something was tugging at my heart to stop and reflect tonight. To take more than a minute or two to think upon all the blessings in life and realize that even in the midst of craziness, and busyness, there are SO many beautiful things to be thankful for. I know it's often so easy to be bogged down by stress at work or complex family dynamics or our own emotional insecurities. And it's even easier to spiral out of control in a frenzy of negativity when we think on these things!
In recent exchanges, whether at church, or with friends, or even during a counseling session, I have been reminded so evidently that looking for things to be grateful for in each and every circumstance can truly change everything. Do I like looking for moments of gratitude when I want to be angry or upset or have a pity party for myself? No. But, it has a darn good track record of getting me out of a funk! This must be a lesson that God is adamant about teaching me, because it feels like lately it has been a test to remain positive, and share that positivity with others, when so often I am the person that individuals vent to about the negative things happening in their lives. But, I have taken a note from the #last90days challenge and have made it an intentional practice to be on the lookout for things to be grateful for so that at the end of each day, I am able to write down ten things that I am grateful for that day. They don't have to be earth-shattering things, in fact, they can be tiny things! Being grateful for the tiny things makes you appreciate the big things that much more! In fact, today my list of gratitude might seem minuscule to some, but for me, these ten things made the difference between a crazy stressful day, and a crazy fun day! 1. New recipes that turn out well! 2. COFFEE (honestly on my gratitude list on a daily basis) 3. Band-aids (for when your finger splits open from dry winter skin!) 4. Mail showing up on time 5. Ordering in lunch 6. Candy cane Hershey's kisses - (pretty sure I could eat a bag of these in one sitting) 7. Phone calls with friends 8. Birthday coupons 9. Leftover poutine (do you see, there's a trend with food here?! Oy. vey.) 10. Cozy blankets Even though today was nonstop busy with new hire orientation, answering questions about open enrollment, rescheduling meetings, unlocking accounts, and more - including playing "dodge the ceiling fan" at the gym this morning (another story for another day) - I choose to focus on the things that bring me joy. Even if most of the things that bring joy involve food! Just like there is always something to be upset about, or always something to nitpick, there is always something to be grateful for. What is your "always something?"
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That's crazy. You'll have to work hard. What if it doesn't work? Do you know enough people? These are all words that have been spoken to me, as I decided in June of 2018 to start my own skincare business as a Rodan & Fields consultant. I didn't start my own business to get rich. I didn't start it in hopes of earning enough income to retire early, or achieve a certain level in business to win a Lexus. No, the reason I joined this business is because I had the same leading about this, as I did about moving to New York. And that is a big feeling - when you feel you are being led to something. It wasn't just a nudging in my heart to try something new and not let my fears get in the way of doing something big and scary. I've done big and scary (refer back to previous posts about moving to upstate NY in NOVEMBER)! Rather, I felt like this opportunity had been presented to me at a time when God knew I needed it. I had just finished up my masters program a few months prior, and I was beginning to get anxious again about what to do with all of this newfound free time! I didn't want to allow my negative thoughts to get the best of me in this free time, but reading and coloring can only fill up so much time! I had been contemplating joining the business, since I knew first-hand that the products WORK, but I was still a bit hesitant to take the leap. But, I remembered how I felt when I was deciding to move across the country. I was scared, anxious, nervous. But also excited in anticipation beyond belief! And I recognized those same feelings in the moment that I decided to text my friend and tell her "I'm in. I'm ready to make the jump." Having courage to do new things is hard, but I realized also that in my life thus far, God has provided me the courage and strength needed to get through every hard and scary thing. Yes, working this business does mean an extra paycheck each month, but honestly, that's not why I joined. I also joined because I saw a sense of passion, and camaraderie among the women that I knew who were already a part of it. They seemed to have a spark of excitement about them, and I wanted to be part of the fun as well! And let me tell you, I never understood what people said when they talked about their "tribe". Well, I understand now. Because I have found my tribe. These women (and men) are such vibrant, enthusiastic people, and it is absolutely astounding to hear their journeys and how Rodan & Fields has given them the financial freedom to give more freely to charities, to live debt-free, and focus on their families. So, if I share Rodan & Fields with you, it's not because I'm trying to make a sale. It's because I know how positively these products and this business have impacted my life and I want to share that positivity with others! I know what it feels like to be ashamed and embarrassed of physical appearances (see my progress below), and how having a negative self-image can be so detrimental to one's happiness, even one's faith and beliefs. I know it can be discouraging and disheartening. I've been there. But I'm not there any more, which is why I am so eager and excited to share why I'm not in that place any more! To the nay-Sayers, and the ones who are scared to take the jump, I can tell you I've learned this much - if you jump, the Hand that is already holding you will not let you fall. If you're interested in learning more, about what Rodan & Fields products, or the business opportunity can do for you, feel free to reach out to me directly, and/or visit my website to learn more: mackenzidelph.myrandf.com
No one ever told me that my twenties would be some of the most challenging, stretching times of my life. I always imagined the teen years to be filled with trouble and growth, and for some crazy reason I figured I'd have life all figured out by 21. Ha! How nice that would be! I figured that by 23, I would DEFINITELY be married, be pioneering my way in an awesome career, and maybe even contemplating starting a family. Boy, how wrong was I?!
Growing up, I was always a planner. I wanted to know exactly what was going to happen and exactly WHEN it was going to happen. But through the years, I have learned that this does not leave much room to trust God if I am constantly planning my next step of action. In fact, experience has taught me that even if I do carefully plan out each step of my life, God often has something completely different in store for me - often times far more different than I could have ever fathomed! - I never planned to move to the east coast while I was single; I suppose I thought it wouldn't be far-fetched if I moved once I got married, but honestly the amount of people who have asked me if I moved because I got married is quite comical! - I never imagined leaving the nonprofit sector or working anywhere other than Make-A-Wish, and yet God knew that I was getting burned out and emotionally exhausted and that I needed a change. - I never planned on starting my own skincare business at age 23, and yet, here I am surrounded by a tribe of boss babes who are so enthusiastic and passionate about sharing amazing skincare and life-changing opportunities with those who they love. Each of these experiences have been really big and monumental in my life, and have caused me to stretch and push myself out of my comfort zone. Being a true introvert at heart, owning a business that is 100% relationship/people based does not come naturally! BUT, God is teaching me that each day as I linger at the foot of the cross, and come to His Word for reviving living water, He will help me continue to grow through these new stages and challenges. And I fully trust that through these growing pains, He is preparing me for the next challenges in life that He has in store (perhaps marriage and someday motherhood). Sure, it would be easier to admit that I don't have to grow, that I could just stay stagnant in life and that would be the end of it. Perhaps then I wouldn't feel this breaking then. But most certainly, I would not feel this healing. Q. Gibson claims "If you are healing and breaking all at once, do not fear, this is growth". I don't think truer words have been spoken! So, even though I have been feeling a lot of growing pains in the last few weeks, I know that I can take comfort in the fact that growing pains are good - they mean I am ALIVE! They mean I am GROWING! They mean I am not mulling about living a meaningless life! And so, my friend, if your growing pains feel more painful than you can bear, I hope you can take heart in the knowledge that God prunes, chastens, and grows those that are willing and wanting to be a broken vessel for Him. The whole idea of prayer has really been something that I have been mulling over lately. I have grown up praying. Before meals, at church, at night before I go to bed. But I'm not sure I fully understood or appreciated the power of prayer until this year.
The Lord has been teaching me many life lessons through my counseling sessions, including the importance and power of prayer. The significance of prayer is not something that was lost on me growing up, but to have my counselor literally pray over me at the end of every session, thanking God for not only what He has done, but for what He will do, and saying it with such conviction, really struck a chord with me. Through my sessions, I have realized that my prayers were often timid and quiet. Not bold or courageous at all. But God has instructed us to "come boldly to the throne of grace..." (Hebrews 4:16). I found myself saying just the other day, I've always prayed knowing, but I don't think I ever prayed truly BELIEVING that God would deliver wholly and completely on His promises to His children. Sure, I pray for good health, and healing, for the blessing to be brought together with my future spouse and children. But, when I pray for those things, do I really believe and know that God will make it happen? Am I confident in the fact that God will bring blessings in my new job, or that He is working in my heart, and the heart of my future spouse to bring us together? It seems like a small thing, the difference between knowing and believing, but I can attest that praying as if you were talking to God in the very room that you are sitting in, and speaking His word, His truths and His promises throughout prayers continues to reiterate and validate, and solidify the fact that God is going to bring goodness. He has before. He will again. So why on earth do I ever doubt? Why then, are my prayers timid and shy, and not bold - bold in asking for courage and strength that can surely be bestowed by the God of all my days? There is something almost miraculous about how God, the maker of the universe, whispers to the trees and the flowers and causes them to bloom in a flurry. Just last week, snow was cascading from the sky, the world around dark and gloomy, with spring feeling so far away. And yet, God knew, in His perfect timing, that just days later He would awaken the world in the way that He does when the sun shines and the birds chirp and the flowers bloom. What a wonderful reminder that God is in control of all and He knows the perfect timing for everything to make any situation far more beautiful than one could imagine. I'll admit, I was quite anxious about finishing school, because I was worried I would have too much free time where my negative thoughts would take charge and I would feel lonelier and more depressed than ever without school constantly occupying my mind. But, I am thankful for this new season that God is bringing about in my life - a season where He is teaching me to rest in His promises, and grow in Him until He gives the command to bloom and be ready for whatever the next season in my life will bring. And with a neighborhood as beautiful and cheery as mine, how on earth could I not be thankful to have time to sit outside and soak it all in and not worry about homework?! My friends, whatever your worries are, and whatever season you may be in, be reminded that God knows just when we are ready to bloom and when that time comes, I am positive we will be rejoicing in the beautiful plans He has in store!
I have had the outline of this post drafted for months now, counting down the days until I could actually post this. And now, that day has come!!! If you have talked to me at any point during the past two years, you know that grad school has pretty much consumed my life (at least my life that wasn't being consumed by work). For some crazy reason, unbeknownst to me, right after I finished my undergraduate degree, I decided to go back for more! Little did I know that I would end up moving cross country and starting a new job all within my first semester of grad school!
Let me tell you. The past five semesters have not been pretty. There have been days that I cried myself to sleep and then woke up in tears the next morning because my brain felt like it never had a chance to catch up or rest or breath! My eyesight has most definitely declined through grad school (no wonder - I stare at a computer all day at work and then come home and stare at a different computer for school all evening)! Having a social life was pretty much non-existent. Keeping up on house chores was a semi-regular thing, and I even found ways to cut down on the time I spent doing house things (i.e. literally buying a third set of towels so I could justify waiting another week to do laundry because there just wasn't time between work and school). Grad school has been far more time consuming and intense than I ever imagined (especially since all my classes were condensed into 7.5 week sessions), and I have read countless pages and written enough papers and discussion board posts to compile a short novel I'm sure. Two years ago, as I sat in my tiny apartment back in Phoenix applying for grad school, I was thrilled at the opportunity to continue learning. Two years later, I want to scream from the rooftop that I am DONE with my Master's degree! Am I glad I pursued my Master's degree right after my undergrad? Yes. Would I do it again? Debatable. I never thought this day would come, but today, today I can say that I am done with school FOREVER. And really, I mean it. Please hold me accountable to that friends - I don't think my sanity (or my bank account) can afford pursuing a PhD! Five o'clock could not come fast enough today. After being out of town for a week, and coming back into the office, I was utterly overwhelmed and exhausted. Again. My anxiety was particularly high, and that incessant heartburn was making a comeback. My next counseling session wasn't supposed to be until Friday, but God knew what was up, and my counselor rescheduled last minute. What a mini miracle. God had lots of lessons in store for me in this session, and these lessons came at just the right time. Over the course of the past year, I have learned that I feel everything very deeply, personally, and passionately. I think it's one of those unique traits that identifies me as an INFJ. It is a wonderful thing to feel deeply, personally, and passionately. But, it is also EXHAUSTING, and not a sustainable way of living, especially for someone who works in the nonprofit sector, and is interacting with very emotional people and situations on a daily basis. For so long, I was becoming incredibly dragged down by the weight of my job, and the emotional ties that I felt came along with it. But tonight, my counselor shared with me something that I hope and pray will stick with me, and will change the way I interact with those around me. Empathize without owning. It is not my job, nor your job, to take on the suffering and pain of those around us. Jesus has already done that. Jesus has already born all the heartache, and pain, and brutal suffering that has happened, and ever will happen in this world. Because only He is able to take on that burden. For Jesus said, "29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:29-30). For so long, I equated empathizing with others as taking on their burdens as well. But this is not healthy, this is not sustainable or practical. Instead of taking on the immense suffering, confusion, and heartache that these families are facing when I interact with them, I am to walk alongside them, to uplift, and bring forth truth and let Jesus work through me, as merely a vessel. Because I am just that - a vessel in the hands of the Maker.
My counselor shared that this whole thing, it's going to be a journey. And I am not even the tortoise in the story of the tortoise and the hare. No, I am the slug on the back of the tortoise in this journey. But that is okay. Because I would rather learn how to let go, and learn how to live and love in the way that God wants me to and learn it fully and slowly, than race through with a "band-aid" approach. I pray too, that whatever lessons God has been teaching you, that you would be okay with learning these lessons slowly, and fully, and relish in the journey of the learning through it all. As I drove home, the Lord brought to me lyrics of a hymn, which of course, seems fitting in my need to learn to let go and not try to act on behalf of God. "Is your all on the altar of sacrifice laid? Your heart, does the Spirit control? You can only be blessed, and have peace and sweet rest, as you yield Him your body and soul." Nervous. Timid. Anxious. Three words that come to mind when I think about my first counseling session last week. To sit here even contemplating writing about my first counseling session is a big deal. Partially because it was a really big deal for me to call a counselor, set an appointment, and stick to it. For years now, seven to be exact, I have struggled with bouts of depression and anxiety. Somehow, by God's grace, I always seemed to be able to pull out of these dark spots on my own, or circumstances changed just in time, so I never thought I needed to actually get help. But, things changed when I moved across the country on my own. The past few months have been especially difficult, with the thick blanket of winter enveloping me in its cloudiness. I honestly didn't think that not seeing the sun for months on end would affect me as much as it has, but it has become seemingly impossible to get out of bed each morning, even though I surely get plenty of sleep, but never nearly enough rest. I thought if I kept myself busy enough between work and school, my mind would somehow stay motivated to keep going. But, I hit a wall in December. My 23rd birthday was one that really I'd rather forget. I called my mom sobbing on the phone, desperate for circumstances to change and to somehow just be happy. I was miserable and upset with myself that I was so miserable. And here's the thing about depression - even if things aren't bad, even if they're actually quite good, the mind twists everything around and creates problems that you didn't even know existed. Suddenly work is even more overwhelming than before and I'm questioning if I'm in the right job at the right organization, in the right sector. Suddenly I feel like I have no control over anything and everything is spinning out of control and I just feel done. I'm homesick, more than I have been before in the past year, and all I want more than anything is to be in the sunshine and warmth. After weeks of my parents taking phone calls from a sobbing, emotionally unstable Mackenzie, my dad, in his words, "pulled out the Dad card" and told me I needed to call a counselor and get professional help. Ouch. I can't remember the last time my dad used the "dad card". Knowing that my parents were truly concerned about my well-being, and that I wasn't getting any better on my own, I called up a Christian counselor and set an appointment. Yikes. I have not been that nervous to make a phone call in a long time. Tuesday, the day of my appointment finally came and I was so incredibly nervous. What if I cried too much? What if I didn't know what to say? What if I started talking and it just came out like word vomit, uncontrollable and untamed? And let me tell you, as soon as I sat down on that couch in the counselor's office, all those questions and pre-conceived notions that therapy is for "sick" people or people who don't have friends to talk to, flew out the window. For years I had been so stubborn and refused to go to a counselor because of the stigma that I felt was still associated for many with counselors and therapy. I thought for so long that I should be strong enough to figure out my problems on my own, or that I could just pray my problems away but still wallow in the same self-imploding mannerisms.
Let me tell you, to hear a professional tell me "you cannot fail at this" and "you do not have to be perfect at counseling", were really hard things for me to hear. I know I am my own worst critic, and lately I feel like I've been failing in every area of my life. But, to also hear her say "I am very qualified to take care of you", brought a sense of comfort and stability that I forgot was out there. I think for so long I strove to be self-sufficient and learn how to do things on my own, which is fine and dandy, but I clearly was not learning the right ways to take care of myself and my mental health and emotional well-being. So, while I am still scared about this whole counseling thing which puts me in a very vulnerable spot, I am also very much looking forward to learning how to actually take care of myself. It's all in the learning. And the growing. And the pain. And this I know to be true - I am not alone. And neither are you. Yes, this may be just another new year's post that you would expect to see...except it's not. I've never been one for making resolutions, as I've always thought that if I wanted to make a change, I could decide to change at any point throughout the year - not just on January 1st. However, I always felt a bit silly for not making any resolutions or setting goals to work towards achieving throughout the year. I think, in part, because I have learned by now that God often changes my plans, so it seems better to not make any, rather than become perplexed when plans do change. Last year, my perspective changed when I read the book "One Word That Will Change Your Life" by Jon Gordon. Rather than focusing on several goals or resolutions to work on in the coming year, this book encourages its readers to prayerfully consider one word that will encompass decisions made, reactions to unchangeable circumstances, and everything in between in the coming year. This approach to a new year resonated with me, so I decided to give it a go. My one word for 2017 was "intentional". I wanted to be intentional with my decisions, with my every day actions in both small things and big, and intentional in my work. I'll admit, I wasn't as intentional throughout the year as I had hoped, and throughout the month of December, I feel like I spiraled out of control and wasn't intentional about anything, but had more of a "just get it done" attitude. In the lessons that God has been teaching me over the past year or so, this year, I decided on the word "investment" for my 2018 word. I want to invest more time and energy in taking care of myself (mentally, emotionally, and physically). I have really run myself ragged and I know that as a child of the Most High, treating myself in this way is not pleasing to Him, and does no good for myself or those around me. I want to invest more in creating meaningful, lasting relationships. It's certainly difficult to maintain long-distance friendships, and even harder to create new ones, especially for an introvert like me. But, I know that I cannot do this life alone. This might be the most challenging part for me, but this year, I want to invest in discovery. In learning what truly makes me happy, where my passions really lie, and how I can cultivate these things to further the Kingdom. School and work have completely taken over my life, and I'm not certain that I even have any hobbies because of my crazy schedule. With my last semester of grad school starting tomorrow, I am realizing more and more that investment in discovery of new things and new experiences will have to be inevitable to continue to grow, stretch, and mold me into the vessel that God has intended. So with this in mind, cheers to investing in 2018 my friends! Does any one else think "no way am I putting my oxygen mask on first, if a child is sitting next to me and needs help" when the flight attendant is going through the safety presentation on a flight? That has been my life mentality. Put others first, because God has called us to be servants to others, right? In a way, yes. God wants us to esteem others over ourselves. However, I am learning that it tends to become impossible to take care of others, when I can barely take care of myself. Some days, I feel like I've got it all under control (silly me) - I'm working a full time job, going to grad school full time, and living on my own, paying all my bills on time, etc. But then my body reminds me on days, like today, that I may not be kicking butt as well as I thought. When I realize that I've had heartburn for the past week and half and have barely eaten anything, and am crying at the drop of a pin because I am so physically and mentally exhausted, how on earth can I expect to be of help to anyone else when I have been neglecting to take care of myself?
Last semester, when I had one of my breakdowns and was on the phone with my dad, he told me "Kenzie, you have to figure out how to find balance and what you can take off your plate because right now, how you are treating yourself, is not how God wants you to live." Now that was a punch in the stomach. So, I suppose, if anything, this post is a cry for help, an acknowledgement that I cannot do this alone. |
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